my smile has faded and it wun be back$BlogItemTitle$>
im not a tissue so dun finish using me and throw me aside.
some times whenever i thought of how they treated me, i wanna cry
but i realised my tears wun fall down.
i've been used so many times until im devoid of any feelings.
i hope i wun have the thought of quitting my course again but instead continue the 1.5 years to graduation.
i find all my course modules mundane
& im 100% definitely sure i wun continue tis as my confirm job.
i wonder wat is the aim in making me suffer for 3 years.
but i do know for sure that i've learnt a lot about life in this short period of time.
& dealing with different ppl or those with a scheming mind is what i've been doing for almost everyday.
my working life taught me a lot too.
i've grown so much that im practically a changed person.
how come all those assholes that made other ppl life hell didnt die earlier or just drop dead now?
why must they bring misfortune & unhapiness to those around them?
why wun they ever repent?
ya.. they talk like they are really remorseful about all the harm they did.
but fuck them.
they dun give a shit.
if they can psycho u to forgiv them means another incident like this will happen again.
retribution? karma? when will they ever strike them?
it truly sucks.
that's really the place if you wanted to see the true nature of people.
my poly differs from what i thought it was.
freedom, little homework, no stress, great friends.
(srry, i gonna get a bit vulgar here.)
it's fking stressful & full of shitty friends.
the ones that surrounds me are really i-dunno-wat-to-say.
at first, i've been complaining and complaining.
now, i passed the stage of complaining.
instead im towards the situation where i dun care anymore.
im so pathetic.
i've been laughed upon, made a joke of, looked down by lecturers & course mates alike, alone, crying, depressed & stupid.
im stupid for believing that my course mates are still nice and angelic; they're selfish & uncaring.
im depressed for letting my course, lecturers & course mates get to me; i should wake up.
im crying becos no one understands me; i should try not to bother any one anymore. i must be strong.
im alone becos my true friends dun care about me & i've been pushing my parents away; kinship are forever the best.
i've make a fool of myself becos i really tried my best to be happy; i should abandon that idiotic thought now.
i've been looked down upon by others becos i let others believe i cant do it; i must start to show them my talent.
do i really have a true friend in my course?
the answer is no.
shiyun dun give a damn about me.
i dun even know why im still hanging out with her though.
it's saddening even until now.
it took me 1 whole yr to fully wake up to realise no one is lending a helping hand.
most of the time, i depend on myself.
mayb im borned a loner. i dunno.
whatever that may happens, be sure that i will still hang on.
im a tough nut to crack.
when my poly life ends, i'll be thinking like -"wat? i really survive that shitload full of craps? im amazing. haha"
alrite, i shall cover about dreams today.
im sure many people dreams.
dreams can keep us sane and focus on what we are suppose to do.
dreams give us hope.
it's something that can give us the push that we need in life.
so in a way it is good isn't it?
however, we must be realistic.
i mean rarely dreams do come true.
its either for people who have worked extremely hard or through dishonest means.
only these 2 options.
for those reading this post now, u may not believe me
but when u actually starts working.....
what if dreams are shattered? (like mine)
well then.. make another dream.
dreams are like lies.
when u lie to someone, u'll have to make up another one to cover the first.
dreams are the almost same.
except that dreams are something that u keep to yourself.
no need to blurt it out & you dun hurt anyone except for yourself.
but do you know that in fact, you fest on dreams?
thats wat i think la.
as in, when ur initial dream was shattered, u'll most probably have to make up another more fabulous one & u'll be living in it.
living in denial, thats wat i mean.
are u guys living in denial then?
#6: accustomed to being alone$BlogItemTitle$>
its a very depressing topic :<
kids nowadays uh.. really haiz.
last saturday, i took over 1 teacher and taught 6 different age grp students.
1 p2, 2 p3, 3 p4 and 1 p5.
the p3 and p4 age grp really gl sia...
so young said racist jokes and chid me when i told them lame jokes :(
LOL. too much for me to handle. im not a maths teacher yet im being force to teach them :(
after the maths lesson im totally drained. no more energy to play with them liao.
im really lucky to be an english teacher. REALLY I TELL U.
#5: life only sucks when...$BlogItemTitle$>
u keep on blaming others for the misfortune that keep on happening to u.
face it. life always sucks. nothing can ever be fair; u must rmb.
when my string of misfortune starts last yr, damn i keep on blaming my karma for it.
god knows how many times i must hav muttered that word.
i couldn't face the reality & i sank into depression.
it's quite a serious case u know.
my course, my "new poly friends" & the environment.
i could not believe that my course sucks so much.
new friends differs so so much from sec sch friends.
the environment.. its so cold.
i could find no one to talk to because they wun understand.
my parents, my good friends.. they could only pity me.
they are not me. they cant be me.
so they cant possibly know wat im going through.
i keep on bugging them every time something shitty came along.
intruding them, seeking some understanding.
sms-ing, blogging and keepin to myself.
i hav done all of that.
it took me 1 yr to get out of my shattered dreams.
the reality hurts. friends are gone. u'll always be left alone.
for those who managed to find real friends, congratulations.
for some like me, who dun managed to do so, leave it.
then i start to think a lot.
i realise when i think, i can sort of calm myself down.
i begin to be rational and then, im alrite again.
i've so many thoughts in my brain that i had to blog to get them out of my mind.
blogging has began to become a part of me.
when i blog, im happy.
when i quit blogging, i felt empty.
thats when it hit me, i rely too much on something which i believe is a private "on9 diary" when in fact, my privacy has been intruded upon.
thats why now, i wun blog about my job & course mates lest they manage to read my posts.
they can easily access to this link actually. i put this up in facebook.
it's actually pretty tiring having to go through my past memories to fill up this post.
it's been nice sharing w/ my readers (if there r any). bye
#4: when u've been through as much as me..$BlogItemTitle$>
u will soon realise that nothing else matters.
#3: even when u dun like wat u're hearing..$BlogItemTitle$>
u should keep ur mouth shut. dun aggrevate the situation any further.
#2: when nobody helps u..$BlogItemTitle$>
u juz gotta suck it up n pray that some angel will help u.
i hate the fact that when im really in need of help, no one will be able to offer me one helping hand.
it really really sucks.
srry but i cant disclosed much
all i can say is my course mates are such a big difference from my sec sch friends.
#1: how i managed to chiong all my assignments :($BlogItemTitle$>
this week im particularly demoralize.
i have no fuel to work.
no energy, no feel, nothing.
& my body keeps reverting back to sleep mode.
went for work and reached home around 10 am plus.
and otw home from causeway, i saw 2 malay bitches bullying 2 elderly couple on wheelchairs.
i swear normally im not that racist but really i dunno wat came over me and im thinking like
"wtf. damn u 2."
im super angry u know.
they even challenged those 2 elderly to walk and banged their knees (the elderly) against each other.
super shag. so didnt bathe or eat and hit the sack early.
woke up and found that i wasted my time sleepin
didnt managed to go school again cos i woke up really late.
spent a total of 9hrs finishing up 13 essays of TOD.
went school @ 8am
chiong finish editing autocad
went for printing @ west coast round 11am
reached back sch round 3pm and started doing and rendering the last few parts of 3dmax
only managed to really start rendering at 6pm.
didnt went home.
its so fun to stay in sch alrite -.-
kenna chased out of studio T511 at 10.30pm.
so all of the remaining students like 10 ppl (from both T523 & T511) went to moberly instead
then at 12.30am, i went back to T511 cos i really ned to use the other computer to continue rendering.
the studio doors aren't locked btw.
cos.. the guys used scotch tape to tape it at the door sensor. LOL
its a bit scary to stay in studio cos its too big and my friends n i we didnt switch on the lights for fear of being caught by the security guard.
thurs and fri well... like that loh
submit all the assignments alr but i felt damn empty. much worse than b4.
restart all over$BlogItemTitle$>
okay im juz reading others blog posts and i found out that my last few posts LACK DETAILS. omg im simply stunned man. oh n not only that, my VOCAB deteriorate. seems like my quest to shorten my post leads to me having a drastic drop in my english.
i hav so many things to update! nvm the coming posts will tell it all :)
& it will comprise of all my life lessons.
sleepy sleepy sleepy$BlogItemTitle$>
i've slept for 12hrs and im still sleepy. i'll most probably post again after this fridae(:
why are we forced to do tod journal? im so dead. im making some questions up juz to fill up my tod journal. but wats worse is that i dunno how to answer them! but i wanna do well for tis submission! i must hurry up and complete 6 tod lecture summaries by 6am!
jy yanyan :(
long time no run$BlogItemTitle$>
my leg nearly gave way climbing stairs after running around woodlands stadium 5 rounds. really no joke man. the story's tis- i gt a sudden urge to run cos i dun feel like doin any work at 4pm and then the rest is history. i didnt run for like 1 YEAR PLUS? omg im hopeless :( but actually im runnin to let off some steam for something that happened on thurs.
i feelin damn guilty and sad for not submitting my course stuffs on time. i spent 2 days not sleeping. really not sleepin uh juz to complete it and tada... i went printing at 4pm, submission at 5pm, finished printing at 5pm so it's literally im not gonna make it on time. i really wanted to do well for IDC this yr seeing that i screwed last yr's grade like ****.
im back to blogger after almost 1 yr of 'hiatus' (: tumblr dun suit me well and livejournal... well the layout turns me off.